Figuratively, don’t worry. I’m not that crazy. (I’m referring to the title of this post.)
I recently returned from my Spring Break in Tennessee, where I had one of the best weeks of my entire life. Simple because, back home where I am now, I’ve been pulling myself apart. And this was the break I really, really needed.
Some snow while hiking up a mountain in Tennessee. We pretty much hiked everyday. It was fantastic.
I tend to do this a lot, and I’ve found myself pushing myself to the limit this year. Perhaps I’m simply not used to doing a numerous amount of activities, due to the fact that before last year, I pretty much did high school and baseball, and that was it. Or I really am simply trying to do too much. Either way, it’s been hard to concentrate on any one thing for me recently. I’ve been trying to balance my high school and college classes, which includes finding transportation between these, baseball, my music that I enjoy creating and working on, my writing (which I also find important to me), my activities with my church (especially with my youth group, which I’m heavily involved in), drama performances that I’m in at my church and school, and up until baseball season started I had a job to manage, and of course trying to spend as much time as I can with my family and friends. The latter I’ve been sort of prioritizing, simply because a good amount of my friends are college students, and are leaving town rather soon. As a result, I’ve found myself wanting to spend a good deal of the little free time I have with them. But that’s besides the point, and will probably be in a whole other rant all together. The point is I have a lot going on, and this spring break has been miraculous.
I feel like there’s a certain part of me that feels drawn to this kind of “do everything you can” though, despite the stress I often receive from that kind of mentality. I think the majority of it comes from my father, who is constantly doing something, and when he isn’t, he goes a bit crazy. He’s a very productive guy (though not the cleanest, but that’s besides the point), and I find myself growing into that sort of cycle. I get this sort of restlessness if I’m not doing something productive, or interesting, or something I enjoy especially (like writing). Though this can really get stuff done, it can also really be obnoxious. As a result of this, I find myself trying to do everything I can whenever I have time. And it’ll kill me if I have 15 minutes between something and I’m stuck unable to accomplish anything in that particular amount of time before I leave for whatever I’m doing. (For some reason, it’s always 15 minutes. There’s just nothing you can do in 15 minutes. It’s either too short or too long of a time. Anyways.)
The strange thing is there’s another part of me that’s exceedingly laid back and calm, and hates doing things productive constantly. And I’ve found if I don’t have at least one day where I’m not doing a whole lot, I go a bit crazy and start stressing out an unusual and unhealthy amount, as this side of me gets restless and starts trying to break through the other part of me. On the other hand, if I don’t do anything for too long, my busy part of me makes me extremely restless and I’ll do the stupidest things.
That is why I say I often pull myself apart. If I let either side of me become to prominent, the other attempts to rip through. And so I find myself balancing each side in a scary game of tight-rope.
As a consequence from always wanting to do anything I can, I also find myself becoming a jack of all trades kind of guy, but a master of none, as the saying goes. I can skateboard (though not really well, but decently), play baseball on a team, get pretty good grades (honestly I don’t know how sometimes), write stories, poems, rants and essays rather well, play guitar, ukulele and bass (and sort of sing), play somewhat competitively at video games (for some reason), act and help with drama performances, and I’m still able to get along with most people from a large majority of groups/clicks (clicks? Cliks? whatever), and occasionally talk to a group of people somewhat intellectually (for someone of my age at least).
Now before you start complaining about me being ungrateful and boasting, I’m pointing this all out for a reason.
I’m not ungrateful at all, in fact I love the fact God’s given me the ability to try and participate in so many different things, but at the same time, I’m always left a bit disappointed that I can’t, and probably won’t ever be as good as someone who focuses more on one of those particular things. I’m simply saying that though I’ve been given the opportunity to do all that, I still won’t ever be as good as you are with your gift.
You’ve been given a gift, and it’s very particular to you. And though I might be alright at all those things, I’ll never have that same gift just like you do. And that, in my opinion, is much greater than being okay at a lot of things.
You’re brilliant. And fantastic. And talented. Just thought you should know.
Anyways, since most people can pick a single thing they seriously enjoy and are wonderful at and stick with it, they soon become masters of that subject. However, I’m left trying to do everything, and as a result, I can become decent at most, but never a master like these people. Though I’m sure I have a specific gift I might be especially good at above the others that I enjoy particularly, I haven’t really discovered it officially. I haven’t especially decided upon something yet. Call it attention deficit if you want. I find myself at a loss as to what I want to do with my life due to this, and even though I could potentially go several directions, I don’t want to do anything mediocre with my life. And so my internal struggle continues, as I pray and seek guidance from the One who provides such guidance.
Though I often stress out, get very little sleep, get a bit grouchy about it at times, and occasionally do one thing a bit halfheartedly, I don’t think I can imagine myself going about this year any other way. Simply because I was made this way, and though it occasionally bothers me like it did when I started this rant, at the end of the day, I don’t entirely mind.
Anyways, that’s the entirety of my rant I believe.
You’re brilliant,
Josiah Serravalle.
Supplemental Mentality | 