In a single day I’ll be standing on a stage with a over sized gown and a square graduation cap on my head. Last night I gave a speech in which I intended leaving something of myself and the things I’ve learned to the rest of the world. It feels sort of like my entire of life is changing. I never quite realized how intense the emotion was of graduation. Until you get there, I don’t think you can truly understand it. It’s commonly called the end of one chapter of your life. That’s sort of what it feels like, but that phrase simply doesn’t convey the exact feeling. I don’t think words at all can quite convey the emotion and meaning I want to convey, but I’m going to try.
Graduation isn’t just starting a new chapter of your life. It’s more like ending one book in a series. But there’s a sequel, and you’re not sure if it’s going to ruin the story, or be ten times better. You might still be able to look back through the old book, but you can’t just flip through the pages to the last chapter and read everything again. You’ll never relive those moments. The laughter, the tears, the fits of rage, the arguments, the love, the fear, the anxiety, the growth and change and new things. It’s all been done now. All the people you loved so much, they’re there, but it’ll never be quite the same. The summer road trips and adventures, what you did with your free time. It’ll all change. The amount of fear, anxiety, anticipation, excitement, seclusion, joy, and contemplation that I’ve put myself through this past week is beyond words. It seems as though I’m relishing in the last couple pages of this book, so that way I’ll be sure that I got as much as I possibly could before moving onto the next book.
But I’ve already seen the cover and title of the next book, and even sneaked a small peak at a page, and I can’t help but want to rush into this new book as fast as I can, because something inside me is telling me that it’s going to be incredible. I want it to be incredible so desperately. So I’ve been sitting by myself in my own thoughts for a week or two. I’m not entirely sure why. Whether it’s because I’m mentally and emotionally preparing myself for what’s about to happen tomorrow, or if it’s because I don’t want it to happen at all. I seriously have no idea how I’m currently sitting here, typing all this. The countless number of events, words, and people that have brought me to where I am, giving me such encouragement and possibilities that I can’t help but remain speechless that I’m alive. I tend to notice the little things people do for me, and though I don’t always say anything about it, when I contemplate what I’ve done, I’m always able to remember the dozens of people that worked together or separately to get me to that moment. When I contemplate simply my age and graduation, that number of people just grows and grows, and I can’t possibly ever find a way to thank them all. I’ll certainly try to personally talk to as many of them as I can. In the meantime, I’ve been thinking about how in the world I became who I am.
I received a message from an old, online, sort of pen-pal of mine. I’ve always loved other cultures, and getting to talk with this person about their’s and their life was always loads of fun and I really got to know them quite a bit. The last message I got from them before this message was in 2013. After the torrential influx of memories that came when I read their message, I started to think back at who I used to be. I went back and read some of my messages, and things I used to do and talk about. The way I said things, the things I thought that were important, the ideas I had. The way I said things was a particular difference that I thought interesting, as it emphasized the different kind of person I am today compared to who I used to be. There’s already at least one blog post of mine that I’ve changed my perspective on some. I’m leaving it there however, because I want to be able to remember where I used to be, and where I am now. I want to be able to look back at the thoughts I used to have, and be able to see just how far I’ve come. There’s a certain special power in writings that capture the author in a way not much else can. Pictures see the physical differences, but the way we write and what we write about captures our mental differences. The different things that have affected us in so many ways are captured in our writing. I can tell small details in who I was back two years ago from some of those writings. Historic documents do this as well on a wider scale. We get a small picture of the way people in that culture thought, though one book only constitutes a single person, if you combine hundreds or thousands of books, you can start to build a bigger picture. Anyways, I digress. All this is to say, I’m glad I’m keeping a blog, if for no other reason than for my own benefit. As I keep growing and changing, I’ll be able to look back at who I was and learn from it. There’s always the possibility I’ll be able to bring back a perspective I used to have that I’ve lost.
I think this year and the events that are about to unfold are the most frightening of all. I’m leaving for University. I’ll be living on my own, (well, with a roommate, but you know what I mean.) and I’ll be living in a city I’ve only visited occasionally. I’ll be surrounded by people I’ve never met before in my life, and taking classes that I have no idea what to expect from. I’ll be essentially living an entirely new life as an adult. So, I guess I’m writing this as a sort of conclusion to this book. I’ll still have all summer, but it won’t be at school, and I’ll be plenty busy during all of summer. So basically, these past years have been amazing, life changing, and at times brutal. But here I am, I made it. So thank you everyone in my life who helped in the smallest way, or just tolerated my existence. Thank you for letting me be a part of your life.
In complete unbelief,