First of all, I’d like to preface this post with the fact that I got a job. Throw the confetti, bring out the cake, I actually managed to get a job, I know. Naturally, getting the job has made me think a lot about growing up and the future, so I thought I’d those thoughts with you all.
I think there’s a part of us that naturally contradicts itself. It’s this idea of growing up. Even when I think of the word I’m torn inside. I hate it, but love it. I want it, but I delay it. This is a delicate topic for me, and as I explain myself, I realize I’m going to have to be a bit vulnerable with you all. See, when I think of growing up, it involves a lot of things. Intricate details aside, this includes a job, a car, responsibilities, education, and a whole lot of choices and decisions that are exceedingly and increasingly important. Now. I’m decently okay with this idea of growing up in age and accepting responsibilities, and even though I have a real hard time with choices, I understand that it’s necessary and important. I also get that all this needs to be approached with wisdom, understanding, and maturity. Life isn’t a joke. However, when you talk about growing up in a more personality way, I sort of have this hard time agreeing and finding myself wanting anything to do with it. This idea of maturity I understand does not mean that you become some person you never were, nor that you can’t enjoy life anymore, and that with growing up means maturity. However, I find myself being sort of pushed into this mentality of “Oh, you’re not a kid anymore, stop acting so random and energetic and joyful. That’s simply unacceptable. You need to fit in. Be like everyone else. Be normal.” And that simply is something I refuse to fall into.
Along with that, I struggle a lot with the fact of leaving. When I talk about my future and when I think about it, I really don’t feel like I’m called to stay in my hometown my whole life, or to pursue my career here, but at the same time, every part of me doesn’t want to leave the incredible people I’ve met here who have become my family. Something that I struggle with and have been scarred by is the idea of losing people I care about. It’s therefore become a sort of fear of mine I guess you could say. The thought of leaving, and essentially starting my life completely over by doing so, honestly frightens me. I feel like doing so means I’m going to lose the family I’ve built in the city here. I know that even though they won’t be around, I’m not going to lose them, but there’s more to it than that. It means they won’t be involved in my life since I won’t be with them. Something I realized that’s the worst part about leaving to live somewhere else is the fact that the people from your original living area won’t be able to be involved in your life. Your ups and downs, daily struggles and successes won’t be rejoiced or comforted by those so far away. The future you build there can’t possibly be shared with those people anymore unless you return or they join you. Those late nights where you just hang out, goof off, and act like general goons create such incredible memories that I never want to give up. Experiences I’ve had and continue to have with these people have made my life a joy, and helped me get through some really difficult times in my life. Distance is such a pain, and a destroyer of relationships more often than not. Something I value probably the most in any kind of relationship is the idea of sharing life together. Both parties needs to be able to go through life with the other, like a family does. No matter what. I don’t want to know that if I wake up one morning with a heavy heart, and a craving for a chaotic adventure, that I’ll have to do it alone. The goons I’ve grown with in this city won’t be there with me anymore. Even that though, there’s more to distance than that.
Recently in life, I’ve realized that losing someone doesn’t really necessarily mean cutting yourself off from them, or being separated. There’s something that’s specifically mentally about it. If you think that you’ve lost them, even if they’re around you plenty, then it’s almost just as if they left and moved. There isn’t a physical distance, but there’s a disconnect in your attitudes and conversation. You act differently and sort of close yourself off. You justify your actions, but it’s not really an excuse. It’s entirely your own fault for the way you act around them. There’s this sort of wall one of you puts up. And that creates a distant entirely of itself that can be just as devastating. As soon as that wall breaks down though, it’s as if you finally got to come back home after weeks of being gone. This also, though not as frightening, still terrifies me at times. I can’t imagine being shunned and distanced from those that I hold closest. Losing that person, losing their respect, their attention, their opinions, their words, their ideas, their trust, and just their overall friendship and relationship is devastating to me. If I lose someone in that sense, I’m just as shocked and traumatized as if I moved out of town.
Naturally, both of these things I’m having to confront as I “grow up.” The closer I get to graduating high school, the closer I am to moving and leaving practically everyone I know. The more I get into my job, and face responsibilities and the consequences of my actions, I’m left making choices that I don’t want to make. And as a result, I end up losing people I love through walls as well. Either by mistakes, by not thinking, or by them choosing to leave me, it all brings reality crashing down on me. And eventually, I will have to leave a lot of the people I love, and it’ll probably be the most traumatizing, terrifying experience of my life. But at the same time, it’ll lead to so many new incredible people and opportunities that I would never have been able to meet or experience. And so, I’m simultaneously ecstatic to “grow up,” and also terrified. Either way, I know that it’ll be an incredible experience that will definitely change my life. So here’s to growing up, and to losing as few people as possible. I know that no matter what, the plan for my life will be something I could never imagine, and that it’ll all be wonderful in the end. I’m trusting in God that He’ll guide me through this stage of my life as I grow. And so I continue sharing life with those that I love the most while I still can. And no matter where I go or what happens, those memories will be with me forever. I’ll never forget those that I love.